Taking a shit in the USA.

This post is dedicated to my brother, Stefko Stefkov, and to his immense love of all rear-end related activities.

Wake up.

Drink shitty coffee.

Smoke a shitty cigarette.

Even here, the effect is the same.

You gotta take a shit.

And you finally think. Oh yes, finally something that is the same as it was back home, the morning shit after the cig and coffee.

But it isn't.

You go to the can. You do your business and even from that moment things are different.

Why?

Because the food is different, so your shit is different, and your shitting is different. It doesn't matter if it's better or worse. I'm Bulgarian, therefore home made stuff is the best, and this ain't no home made shit. It's an American shit. It's freedom fighting shit. If it could vote, it'd vote republican. Your shit has the right to free speech, unobstructed by the government. You know what it would say if it could speak. It'd say "Shit." And then the American Anthem would play as BGM, and a huge American flag would descent to be the background to your freedom fighting shit.

Your shit, can carry a firearm. Second amendment bitch. Your shit believies that because it can carry around a gun, it is safer than other shit. It's not. You still gonna flush it.

But before you flush it, you gotta wipe your ass. And that is a whole different story as well. Why? Because the toilet paper is different...

You go to ANY supermarket back home, you're gonna have the freedom to choose between a minimum of 10 different scents of toilet paper. Here, in the land of the free, you have one common scent. Toilet paper scent. Very difficult to encounter the other types, you have to go to specialty shops to look for that scented motherfucker.

You wipe your ass in Bulgaria, your ass can smell like sea breeze, or like wild fruits, or like daisies, or roses, or lilies, or a bouquet of different flowers. It can smell mountain fresh, hell it can smell like a garden, which you'd think is the same as the flowers, but no, we've got so many different scents we run out of names. Your ass can smell like the wind, like mint, probably like a bakery, I don't know, I'm no toilet paper expert. Fuck Pocahontas and her "Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?" What about you Pocahontas? Can you wipe your ass with all the colors of the rainbow, cuz I sure can't here in the land of the wild and free, but my Bulgarian residents can. And they can do it in a range from 1 to much as much as 8 layers of recycled or non-recycled toilet paper.

But here... here your ass is gonna smell like only one thing. America.

PS: The toilets also flush differently.